There is only so much mayhem you can handle in your household.
So if you’re at the point in your flatmate relationship where you need a break (a break that probably requires them to move out and never make contact with you again) then we’ve got some inspiring stories to get you on your way to soloville.
1. Sleep is essential to enjoying life and cannot be done without. Taking this away from your roommate will produce quick, and tremendous results. My recommendation is to set your alarm clock for 5 in the morning and press snooze until you finally decide to get out of bed. It is much easier to rest with knowing you’ll have to turn your snooze off than being irritated by it for several hours. When confronted as to why you are doing this give a vague answer such as, “I’m training to run in a marathon.” If done correctly your roommate will soon become run down and will become all the more vulnerable to your further stratagems.
2. The place you live should be a sanctuary where you feel secure and at ease. You must take away this notion as quickly as possible. My recommendation is to casually state as you leave for class, “If some big guy comes by here asking about some money I owe him just tell him to go fuck himself.” Ignore any inquiries and depart immediately. The next time you see your roommate, ask if anyone stopped by. When you learn not, say “Thank God!” and refuse to fully explain whom you owe money to. Just get the point across that they’re violent and should not be trusted.
3. Complain endlessly about your friend Neil Kronenberg who is the fictional embodiment of your roommate. Every foible of your roommate is a foible of Neil Kronenberg. Complain endlessly about Neil Kronenberg and how much of piece of shit he is. If your roommate catches on great. If not it is nevertheless, an amusing diversion.
4. This one takes some money and some agreeable fifty-year-old actors. What you have to do is get these actors to pose as your parents and get them hanging around your place when you’re not there. This is the beginning phase of weirding out your roommate. What comes next is having your roommate frequently walking in on them having sex. If this does not work in scaring away your roommate, it may be time for you yourself to consider withdrawing.
5. If you live in a dorm there is probably nothing more vile than the floor of the communal bathroom. God knows who recently vomited, urinated, or whatever else on the floor of the shower stall. The thought of walking around without shower sandals is so unpleasant it is almost enough in itself. But not quite. The need to shower is commonly overpowered by squeamishness. This is why if you misplace your roommate’s shower sandals they will be forced to stand in revolting filth in bare feet. Finding a place where sandals are misplaced less often would certainly be on anyone’s mind.
6. Everybody needs some time to just have some peace and quiet. Even annoying roommates. This must be taken away without remorse. An effective way of doing this is to take up an interest in the xylophone. They can be rented by the month at nearly any store which sells musical instruments. Once you’ve gotten one, start to play during every spare moment your roommate has. Make sure they understand that you love the xylophone and you could play nothing in particular on it for hours on end. It will soon become unbearable to continue living in such a way.
7. You also must undermine your roommate’s self-confidence as a roommate. Talk endlessly about how great your past roommates were. How they cleaned up all the time, had a lot of friends, or could carry on a decent conversation. Just make sure you get the point across that you wish you had a cooler roommate.
8. Nothing is more irritating than an idiot who thinks that it is possible to have a pet cat or dog during college. If it weren’t bad enough to share such a small living area with a human why would anyone seriously conceive imprisoning an animal in such an awful environment? If your roommate has already proposed this, it is firm proof that they need to be rid of. If not it is an offensive measure that can be used to drive them away. Talk often about how nice it would be to have a pet in the apartment. Draw up plans of who would take care of the animal at what times and claim you have friends that are looking to get rid of a full grown dog or hoping to get a couple of cats off their hands. Like any good salesman refuse to take no for an answer.
9. Once you’ve decided your roommate must go, it is important to hasten their departure by convincing that they are not living with a person who is sane. Tell him an interesting story. Then proceed to tell it several more times over the next few days. When they let on that they already know and complete one of your thoughts, continue on with renewed ardor from where they left off. Success depends all upon your own enthusiasm in recounting your multiply regurgitated stories.
10. Really try to get the point across that you are out of your mind. I can’t stress this enough. Another good ploy is to begin conversations and then completely ignore something your roommate says. Look directly at them and get the point across that you heard and understood what was just said. You have simply decided not to respond to what they said for some strange reason. Continue by striking up a new stream of conversation and then ignoring whatever your roommate has to add on the matter.
And that my friends, should successfully leave you #foreveralone. Until you need to pay next months rent that is.