How to have THE talk with your flatmate. Yes, that talk.

You probably know where this is going, but we’ll spell it out for you slowly.

When you’re in the business of flatmate-ing (get it?), you’re choosing someone who might accidentally see you run across the corridor naked from the bathroom, who will know your addiction to spaghetti on toast and who will meet your parents at least once, probably. Even though you’re not dating.

Ah, dating. By inviting a person into your life, a stranger who will inevitably share the same floor-space as you, you also get invited to meet their obnoxiously-loud, overly-sun-tanned, pain-in-the-ass partner on a regular basis. Who you probably didn’t ask to share floor-space with in the first place.


Read more: A flatmate has been sprung leaving a butter knife on the sink.

Rude, I know. But relax. There are ways to tone down said pain-in-the-ass while they’re busy bumping and grinding in the room next door. You know, without going IN there and calling for an immediate intervention.

This handy guide to having The Talk will be told in a series of somewhat relevant GIFS. You’re welcome.

1. Subtle hints are your best friend.

People fall in love. Firstly, you should probably feel proud that you picked a flatmate who is even mildly interested in repopulating the Earth because that’s a pretty big #lifegoal. But if the walls are thin and you know what their favourite safe word is (NO NO NO NO gross), it’s time to take action. Start by asking if your flatmate can give you the ol’ heads up when their partner is staying the night. Then purchase either noise cancelling headphones or an App that plays very loud and wise whale music. Use accordingly.


2. Draw up a roster. Plan for all possible scenarios.

Think flatmates-who-actually-pay-rent-in-this-house game night every weeknight or you-owe-me-dishwashing-duties-if-you-invite-over-a-guest cards. That ought to keep their partner out of sight. And if that doesn’t work…


3. Tell them it’s sort of kind of unfair that their partner gets to use the house facilities without chipping in a dime. 

And then proceed to make them bring you presents every time he/she uses the shower or flushes the toilet. Trust me, their visiting hours will dwindle to somewhere between 0 and 1%. HAZZAH!


4. Send your flatmate a letter. Write it up on the foggy bathroom mirror after you shower.

Romance. But instead of drawing a love heart and writing “I love you Roomie” tell them that hearing their bedroom antics is less desirable than stepping out of a warm shower in winter. They’ll get the picture and tone it down.


5. If all else fails, get a new flatmate.

OK, possibly too drastic. But the other options were going to be either join in on their fun OR style an Avengers-type smack down of epic proportions on their partner. You can see why we went with the former.